Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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