Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
