I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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