So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
