I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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