Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
