Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
