last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
