I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
