I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
