You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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