This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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