I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My bed smells like the plague
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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