I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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