I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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