I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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