I love black thongs
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
