The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
