She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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