All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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