my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
