i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
