If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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