The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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