You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
