so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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