i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
