We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She's not a foreskin expert like you
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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