I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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