the condom got lost in my hair
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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