Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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