I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
