I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
