i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
