don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
