I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
