i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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