oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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