This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
