you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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