i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
