The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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