After last night, I could never be a politician.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
