I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
