I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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