Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
