I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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