A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
