Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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