proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
